Engineer in hell

An engineer dies and goes to heaven. However, when Yamaraj meets him at the gate he says, "Wait a second! You're in the wrong place! Beat it!"

So, the engineers goes down to Hell, and gets settled in. He soon becomes dissatisfied with conditions there, and begins to make improvements. Before long, there's running water, flush toilets, escalators, and even air conditioning! The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Devil on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there?"

Devil replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What! You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there. Send him up right away!"

Devil says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue!"

"Oh, yeah?" the Devil replies. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?!"

Another way to skip speeding ticket

0 to 200 in 6 seconds ~~ Driving speed ~~ Admission to mental hospital

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself, and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What on earth am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined it and the car.

"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I dont feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I havent heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night," said the officer.

A really bad day
A blonde goes on who wants to be
some light refreshments

What a way to avoid speeding ticket

What a way to avoid speeding ticket ~~ Another way to skip speeding ticket ~~ Men vs women ~~ Pardon me doctors ~~ Lawyer joke billing ~~ 0 to 200 in 6 seconds ~~ A really bad day ~~ A blonde goes on who wants to be ~~ some light refreshments

The Speeding Ticket
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

What a way to avoid speeding ticket ~~ Another way to skip speeding ticket ~~ Men vs women ~~ Pardon me doctors ~~ Lawyer joke billing ~~ 0 to 200 in 6 seconds ~~ A really bad day ~~ A blonde goes on who wants to be ~~ some light refreshments

10 More Amazing Science Stunts

10 Amazing Practical Jokes

Just few smiles

some light refreshments ~~ Interesting equations ~~ Husband and wife ~~ Husband and wife (contd..)

Fantastic line written on a honeymoon cottage wall...

"Please keep the curtains closed..."

"Ur love may be blind 
But...
Our staff is not..."

---------------------
Thought of the day

Vision for the future is better than the memories of the past.

And what does that mean??





That rather than thinking about yesterday's hangover, think where to party tonight...lolz.

---------------------
Who said car names don't have meanings

FIAT

 Failure 
 In Italian
 Automotive
 Technology


FORD

 For 
 Only 
 Rough 
 Drivers


HYUNDAI

 Hope 
 You 
 Understand 
 Nothing 
 Drivable 
 And
 Inexpensive

VOLVO 

 Very 
 Odd 
 Looking 
 Vehicular 
 Object

PORSCHE

 Proof 
 Of 
 Rich 
 Spoilt
 Children 
 Having 
 Everything


OPEL 

 Old 
 People 
 Enjoying 
 Life

TOYOTA

 The
 One
 You
 Only
 Trust
 Always


HONDA

 Hanged 
 Over
 Now 
 Driving 
 Away



BMW 

 Biggest
 Money
 Waste



AUDI 

 Automated 
 Unwanted 
 Debt 
 Invitation 



Mercedes 

 Maximum 
 Enthusiasm  
 Recurring 
 Cost
 Ego 
 Developed
 Eagerness to 
 Sell

and the Grand Finale..



MARUTI 

 Made
 According to 
 Roads 
 Users 
 Typically 
 Indian


and the Great Grand Finale..

TATA 

 TRY
 Again
 TRY 
 Again

---------------------
Sanskrit teacher :
What is the meaning of 
'tamso maa jyotirgamaya.' 

Santa said : 
'tu so ja maa, 
main jyoti ke ghar ja raha hoon' 
---------------------
Teacher : Google is a girl or a boy..?
..
Student: Google is a Girl.....
Because it won't let you complete 
The whole sentence and start guessing,
Suggesting..
And 
You ask only one question..
But get hundreds of irrelevant answers in seconds..
---------------------
Object oriented thinking....... 
A boy tries to look inside a girls shirt in a class.
Girl: it is bad manners
Boy: no it is not
Girl: why??
Boy: "Members of the same class can access private data"

dedicated to programmers

Driving speed ~~ Admission to mental hospital ~~ Lawyer joke billing ~~ 0 to 200 in 6 seconds ~~ A really bad day ~~ A blonde goes on who wants to be

Men vs Women

Men vs Women

Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends

Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: Because your always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Q: Why did God make woman last?
A: He didn't want someone telling him what to do.

Now, here is a similarity:

Q: Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be hell

Q: Why do only 10% of women make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be hell

Health Benefits of Watermelon

Watermelon is a natural source of most powerful antioxidants provided by nature. It is a good source of the antioxidant vitamins C and A to protect us from diseases. It reduces the risk of dehydration.


 - The health benefits of watermelon are really great. No matter how it is sliced, it is packed with some of the most important antioxidants found in nature.
 - It is an excellent source of vitamin C and a very good source of vitamin A, particularly through its concentration of beta-carotene.
 - The beautiful red watermelon is also a source of the potent carotene antioxidant which is called lycopene. These antioxidants travel throughout the body neutralizing free radicals. Free radicals are substances in the body that can cause much damage to us. They are able to oxidize cholesterol, making it stick to blood vessel walls and thicken them which can lead to hearty attack or stroke. The lycopene which gives fruits the attractive red color that we find in watermelon can help reduce the risks of prostate cancer.
 - It is a surprising fact that watermelon is the only fruit that contains higher concentrations of lycopene than any other fresh fruit or vegetable.
 - Watermelon is a fruit that is rich in electrolytes sodium and potassium that we lose through our perspiration.
 - Watermelon is rich in the B vitamins necessary for energy production. Food experts recommend watermelon as a very good source of vitamin B6 and a good source of vitamin B1 and magnesium. Because of its higher water content approximately ninety percent and calorie value it is ranked more valuable than other fruits.
 - Watermelon has a special cooling effect and is exceptionally high in citrulline, an amino acid that our bodies use to make another amino acid, arginine, which is used in the urea cycle to remove ammonia from the body.
 - The antioxidants help reducing the severity of asthma. It also reduces the risk of colon cancer, asthma, heart disease, rheumatoid arthritis, and prostate cancer.
 - Watermelon is a good source of thiamin, potassium and magnesium which protect our body from so many diseases.
 - Watermelon is fat free but helps energy production. It protects against macular degeneration.

When the heat of summer tires us with thirst, eating watermelon is a safe alternative to taking energy drinks. Since it contains high water quantity it can hydrates us whereas other drinks are caffeine filled energy drinks which can easily dehydrate us. Nothing can be more satisfactory on a hot, dusty day than a crisp, juicy slice of watermelon!

Pardon me doctors

“Doctors at a hospital have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors’ demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!”
---------------------
Patient: “Doctor, are you sure I’m suffering from pneumonia? I’ve heared once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus.” Doctor: “Don’t worry, it won’t happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia.”
---------------------
The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.
---------------------
A Short History of Medicine: “Doctor, I have an ear ache.”
2000 B.C. – “Here, eat this root.”
1000 B.C. – “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”
1850 A.D. – “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”
1940 A.D. – “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”
1985 A.D. – “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”
2000 A.D. – “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”
---------------------
The seven-year old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.” “Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?” “Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.” (See how innocent that was?)

Lawyer Joke - Billing

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. 

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. 

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. 

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

A Really Bad Day

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend. 

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? 

Is it........

A-Robin 

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%... 

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million. 

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question. 

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. 

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

Some light refreshments ;)

After popular demand from all husbands a new app called 'Panic' is launched..
You just say 'Wife' and...

It closes all websites,
Hides all chats with females,
Hides all special folders and
Puts the wallpaper as your
Wife's photograph !!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wife will always be wife...
An elderly woman decided to get her portrait painted.
She told the artist to paint her with
A diamond necklace and diamond ear-rings,
Emerald bracelets,
A broach of ruby and
A gold Rolex.
The confused artist: But, you aren't wearing them, nothing of them.
Old lady: I know. But if I die before my husband, I am sure he will remarry...
And I want his new wife to go crazy looking and searching for the jewellery..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Judge-: Kya proof hai ki tum car speed me nahi chala rahe the..?

Man-: Main meri wife ko lene Sasural ja raha tha..,

Judge: Riha kar do is Masooooom ko..!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And finally some scrabble, I got this in a forward, someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one!)

1. DILIP VENGSARKAR
When you rearrange the letters:
A SPARKLING DRIVE

2. PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN

3. MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters:
NICE SILKY WOMAN

4. DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

5. ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

6. DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

7. THE EYES
When you rearrange  
THEY SEE

8. A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
I M A DOT IN PLACE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE


MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER...

Driving speed

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a State Policeman sees a car puttering along at 22 miles per hour. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five blondes - two in the front and three in the back of the car - wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver is obviously confused, and says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly - twenty-two miles an hour," the old woman said proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am," the officer says, "I have to ask... Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."

Admission process to a mental hospital

In a mental hospital a journalist asked a doctor how do you determine weather to admit a mental patient or not.

Doctor: Well....we'd fill a bathtub with water and then give a teaspoon, a glass and a bucket to the patient and ask them to empty the bathtub. 

Journalist: Oh, obviously a normal person would use the bucket caz it's bigger.

Doctor: No a normal person would pull the drain plug. Please go to bed no 39. We'll start further investigations on you.
...
...
You also thought of the bucket, didn't you? Please go to bed no 40. Share quickly, there are still some more beds available....

********* You might also like:
Interesting equations

Husband and wife

Husband and wife (contd..)

Chess and girls

How blonde got free windows

Mom coming

On lighter side top 22 things indian

Driving speed

Salsa - Recipe

Salsa can help you loose some weight, in addition to its mouth watering taste. Let's see how to make salsa and then you'll know from the list of ingredients how it'll help you loose weight.

Ingredients:

4 medium tomatoes, seeded, chopped (2 cups)

1 medium onion, chopped (1/2 cup)

1/2 cup chopped green bell pepper (1/2 medium) (Optional)

1/2 cup chopped spring onion (Optional)

1/2 cup chopped fresh cilantro

2 tablespoons lemon juice

1 tablespoon lime juice

1 large jalapeno chile (or green chili), seeded, finely chopped (2 tablespoons) (Add more if you like spicy food)

2-4 cloves of garlic (finely minced) (Adjust as per taste)
1 teaspoon olive oil
Salt (to taste) 
Sugar (just a pinch)

Steps:
Mix all the ingredients in a non-metal bowl. Be careful so that you don't crush the ingredients too much. Cover and refrigerate for few hours. 

Once cooled, serve with tortilla (corn) chips or any other snack of your choice. You can add this to your salads as a dressing as well. 

Coming back to the weight loss facts, if you notice the ingredients, jalapeno would help you feel full and you would cut back on other food and reduce calorie intake. Onion and garlic are the natural fat burners. Lemon is another natural immunity booster and fat burner. All in all, multiple things go into salsa making which are beneficial to health. Remember to adjust some of the ingredients as per your liking and health conditions. 

Ingredients of life

sugar and your body
cool cucumbers
warm water & lemon
ginger herb
avocado - the super fruit
benefits of saffron
salsa - mouth watering dish

Weight loss journey

I guess so many of you would relate to this. So many people try to do weight loss at different times in different way and using different methods. I have tried Yoga, Cardio exercises, weight lifting, hiking, and I don't know what else. Everything seems so tough to start with, but if you stick with couple of weeks, it gives results. Doesn't it? But still why do we have this problem such a big one that everybody is trying to solve it. Our body is such a great adapter of situations that it adapts to our eating, exercises or for that matter non exercising. 

Have you tried to loose weight at any point of time in your life? What has been your weight loss mantra....care to share?